Something I wrote in college that I actually still like (edited)
I always wonder, why is it that people choose to act normally? Why is it that in a classroom everyone sits and remains static in their sphere of space, when there are so many possibilities? I always wanted, just for once, for someone, anyone, to do anything completely bizarre or unusual: to dance, sing, scream, or cry. It was really disappointing to find out that musicals did not exist in real life. Beyond that, there seems to be so much silence when there are so many things one can possibly say for any given situation, things that are relevant, expanding, even as simple as expressing ones preferences. My mom always says that everyone’s biggest secret is that they hate themselves, and in so many moments I really believe that to be true. I witness that instead of proliferating people seem to endlessly edit themselves down to what could not be disputed, avoiding negation instead of pursuing queer dreams.
It seems that what everyone is striving for is not a closeness between themselves and the world, but rather to acquire a symbolic meaning for themselves based on a constantly changing outside interpretation: compartmentalizing, labeling, comparing, measuring. In turn, we constantly change ourselves with our precious money, not to benefit personally, but instead to satisfy that need to be appreciated, to feel worthy, that we belong and are not abject aberrations of this society.
On the flip side, when people judge others it always seems to be because of one thing that person said or did which causes a blanketed interpretation for their entire character. Rather than even understanding the root to any problem, they shut someone off because of a topical association. We become closed off and distanced from potential beautiful connections that can arise from differences. This also usually seems to be out of fear for the inverse of that situation, or perhaps an aversion towards the same qualities we find within ourselves.
April 6, 2009